Want to pass your permit test with flying colors? Use these tips for success; they are guaranteed to help you pass.
1. When you first enter the DMV, roar as loudly as possible in order assert dominance.*
*You run the risk of being challenged, and the DMV does have arenas in the back where one can fight to the death. If you wish to avoid this likely messy battle, you may:
- fake a heart attack. As your attacker draws near to help, punch them in the groin.
- grab a nearby child (preferably a baby) and shout, “this man is trying to hit my child!”
2. If your roar failed to assert dominance, you will likely be forced to wait in line. As waiting in line can be terribly boring, beat the crowd by:
- Singing the entire musical “Les Miserable” with full costume and choreography. Under no circumstance should you allow anyone else to join in. Respond to every attempt by forming a one person can can line and “accidentally” kicking the person in the face. If you are terrible at high kicks, a jazz hand face slap is also acceptable.
- Sneezing into your hands, then wiping them on a fellow citizen.
- Screaming, then saying it was just a trick of light, not a snake wrapping itself around your leg.
- Doing the worm. Many people will likely respond with boos and requests to stop, but this is actually a manifestation of jealousy over your mad dance skills and should be ignored.
3. As your first meeting with a DMV employee draws near, you should shuffle all of your paperwork. If possible, drop the papers on the floor, losing forms that are necessary for taking your test.
4. Do not make eye contact— think of the people who work at the DMV as cranky horses who will charge at the slightest provocation*
*Please note, walking up to a DMV employee with sugar cubes in an open palm will not result in the employee nuzzling said sugar cubes off of your hand while you giggle, “It tickles!”
5. Try to be friendly with all DMV employees and brighten their day. While an employee is grading your test, perhaps note that “black makes them look much slimmer.” Or, recount how you once saw a butterfly flutter as gracefully onto a flower as their comb-over is fluttering as they sit under the air conditioning.
6. Under no circumstance should you make an appointment, as they are symbols of efficiency and are a sure sign that you wish to leave the DMV as quickly as possible. It is considered quite rude to not stay for at least 26 rounds of computer voice declaring numbers 34A-Z before continuing your day.
7. Bringing forms of identification such as a birth certificate or passport is a huge no-no. The DMV prefers all visitors to remain a part of the faceless masses. Despite their instructions that you should bring identification to take a test, that instruction itself is a test.
8. When the DMV employee hands you your test, be sure to check that it has the questions you studied for on it. If not, hand it back demanding one with the correct questions. The employee will likely enjoy your attitude and promptly return with the proper test.*
*Tip for success: Tapping your foot while sighing impatiently always makes people move faster, as well as creating a reputation for yourself as a carefree laid back dude or dudette.
9.The permit test is multiple choice with four options to choose from. All of them are wrong. You actually need to create your own answer with a box next to it and mark that one as correct.
For example, a question might be, “what should you do when at a stop sign?”
A. Stop, look for oncoming traffic and then proceed
B. Continue through the intersection without stopping
C. Stop, then proceed
D. Only continue if the crossing guard tells you to proceed*
All of the above are incorrect the answer you should put down is:
E. Take a nap.
10. Before you hand your test in, be sure to clip a one dollar bill onto said test with a winkie-face reassuring the employee that there will be another dollar to come if you pass.
Before you leave the DMV victorious with your permit in hand, be sure to show your appreciation to the DMV employee who graded your test. DMV employees are like the house elves of “Harry Potter,” so hand the worker your sock to finally set them free.*
*Tip for success: If you don’t want to take off your shoe in the DMV, an old sock that you no longer wear is also acceptable.
Note from the author:
Many have told me that we all fail the first time we take the permit test, but I am addressing those of you who are beyond that. And by beyond that I mean people who have officially joined the club of judgmental DMV looks from women with comb overs.
I have failed the permit test a total of three times. In my defense… I did not study. I would like to argue that memorization isn’t really my thing and apparently passing isn’t either.
But all jokes aside, if I can leave you with one piece of advice when it comes to the DMV permit test it is—I’m begging you—come prepared. That includes having all the forms, identification and actually studying because your mother will only drive you to the DMV so many times before she makes you take a cab.